Men In Blue win the FIFA World Cup

India winning the FIFA World Cup?
Astounded??!!

So was I initially, but this Mission Impossible 4 is not a hallucination caused by snorting coke alongside Rahul Mahajan. Indeed, this pipe dream can become a reality if only the global order can be tweaked a little bit here and there. Not making too much sense am I? Let me explain...

Day: Wednesday, June 07.
Time: 7.00 AM.
Location: Somewhere in Chennai.

After I got up this morning getting ready another day of lazy drudgery at work, I went about the usual ritual of waking myself up by a bathing in cold water. As I went about scrubbing my unmentionables clean, thinking about football ( which my football illiterate mind had been thinking about the game on and off due to all the coverage of the FIFA World Cup ) , I heard some news article about Mandal II blaring on TV...

Suddenly a million grey cells in my brain (which is probably the entire lot of them thingies) went berserk with activity.
It was "The Matrix" moment.
I could see the entire pattern as clearly as Neo did in that dark corridor in some apartment. I realized with a jolt that the entire world has been working against India in one way or the other during sometime in history. I was dumbfounded at the realisation that it was due to this widespread discrimination that India was never a contender for the top tournament on earth. Hence as per India's holy books which are Mandal I and Mandal II, it is about time that these countries let us win the FIFA World Cup by means of compulsory reservation for the Indians in the tournament.

Think I am out of my mind?
Well, you are right about the out-of-my-mind thing, but it is not with respect this post. Let me go about throwing (or rather kicking) the bare facts at you about the discrimination we haved faced from all those football crazed nations thru the aeons... I could provide a writeup about the discrimination that we have had to face from every other nation but that would make this post the longest one in the blogosphere which is why I am going to restrict myself to only those 7 nations which have won the FIFA World Cup so far. Here goes...

England - For 200 years (or was it more?) we faced endless discrimination from you. So what if you brought democracy to India. It does not matter if you abolished Sati or gave us lovely Victorian Buildings to admire at either. The fact remains that inspite of Bhuvan and his team from Champaner winning against Captain Russell's team, you firangis never allowed them any endorsements which could have helped them improve their game. If you wouldn't let us grow in a not-so-popular game like Cricket, it is plain to see that you would have never allowed us to become great footballers. So there.

France - Bon Jourrrrrrr! You Cheese Eatin' Surrender Monkeys (audio clip here). J'accuse!
Did you discriminate against us in fashion?
Naah... your clothes look tacky anyway.
Food?
No way, spicy Andhra food is the greatest culinary delight in the world.
The crime of discrimintion leveled against you is Pondicherry. That's right, Pondicherry. Well, first you Frenchies committed the blasphemy having constructed a perfectly planned city in India. But Horror of Horrors... you made sure that it ended up being (and still remains) a CLEAN city too. A clean city in India! Oh, the pain that we have had to endure all these ages due to this. This singular reason must have made you hang your heads in shame and hand over the '98 FIFA Cup directly to the Indian Embassy in Paris.

Germany - Ah! The original Aryans supremacists. You guys are the sneaky ones aren't ya? You Germans made sure that you started discrimination against us 2000 years ago by sending your Aryan Brahmins to subjugate us.Now thanks to you we are caught in a never ending spiral of protests due to this. Of course this rift that you created does help many political parties nowadays to consolidate their vote-banks but that is just small change compared to what you gave us. If Germans really are the stiff upper lipped gentlemen you portray yourselves to be, your men oughta score self goals against themselves if you meet us in the finals, in order to expect any forgiveness from us.

Brazil - The Brazilians are the simplest to explain away really. The fact that they simply hog the football limelight wherever they go works against them. As if it were not enough that they have won the cup 5 times, every major football club simply needs to have a Brazilian star. As per Mandal I, all Institutions and offices were filled with upper castes due to the discrimination against the other castes. Analogously, Brazilians form the football elite due to the fact that they discriminate against all of us. I rest my case.

Argentina - Argentina, I really haven't got any really accusations against you, but unfortunately you are geographically close to Brazil, in fact sharing your border with them. Hence you are guilty by association. Sorry... but that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Italy - Indians hate Italians. Wanna know why? It is a wide known fact (or atleast the rumour is famous) that Italian men are endowed with huge manhood. Now this pisses off the average sized Indian male so much that we cannot concentrate on our sports no more. This has adversly affected our chances of winning any matches at all during the Cup qualifiers.

Uruguay - Err... Ahh... Let me see... What can I say? Umm... Scratch! Scratch! For starters I don't like the name of your country. Uruguay? Yech... It sounds like the word for "Oh! Its melting" in my native tongue Tamil. And what kind of national capital would have a funny name like Montevideo? More seriously though, of all the nations I accuse you guys (Uruguayans?) the most. It was during your 1950 FIFA World Cup that Indians were disqualified due to our wish to play barefoot, never to set foot in any World Cup Stadium agains. You people may argue that it was FIFA that disqualified us but since you were the hosts I hold you guys responsible for this discrimination. Verdict: Guilty.

End Verdict: As you can see, the list of discrimination is endless. I could go on and on but I wish to stop here with an appeal to our political establishment to ensure with the help of the UN that atleast during the next World Cup our team is given a free ticket to the finals and also the additional advantage that the opposing team needs to play with the legs of pairs of players being tied together as in a three legged race.

PS: I know that some of you guys out there may accuse me of "internalizing" from that omnipresent forwarded email about "Reservations In the Indian Cricket Team". In fact it hit me halfway through this post too, but what I really wanted to present was a tongue-in-cheek way of justifying why Indians are nobodys in the world of football.